taryn 8.19.09

HI!>
you should have gotten an email from President Smith last week, if you didnt, check your junkmail?? This week has been really really hard. every morning i have gotten up and been so homesick that my stomach gets sick and i feel that i am about to throwup. I have never ever felt like this. I cant help but cry every morning. as soon as i get up to say my prayers it starts. yesterday it got so bad that as i was trying to exercise i hardly had energy to stand. i layed on the floor and just cried. i started not being able to breath, i was so dizzy, and my arms went numb. i cant eat anything in the morning, it just makes me sick. i feel like such a wimp.i have never ever felt like this. i never thought i was someone that could feel like this. its like there is something in my brain that just isnt right. i just cant help it. It gets a little better during the day,i force myself to act like i am happy. then when i return at night i begin to get really nervous and eat a lot knowing what is in store for the morning. Last night i was determined not to let it happen again.the street dogs start barking really early and woke me up as usual. the whole time laying there i tried to focus on the investigators and not think about home. i got up to say my prayers and then started exercising. i was able to exercise, but i still feel the same. my hearbeat races so fast, stomach sick, shakey, and i feel more nervous than i did before big track meets or the nutcracker. for the past week i have been praying for help from Heavenly Father to help me have happiness and help me have the desire and strength to do this, but not one thing changed. i got a blessing, but still no change. then this morning i prayed saying that i feel i have gotten the answer that this might not be the right thing and peace came over me, more than i have felt for the past 2 months. I dont know what to do. i cant stand the thought of being away for another 2 days, let alone another 15 months. I dont know why Heavenly Father would send me out here only to serve for a short time, but that is the only thing that i feel good about. that is the only thing that can keep me from going wierd again. I am so sorry i have to be like this. i am really trying to tuff this out, but it is taking everything i have. the thought keeps coming to me that i wish it could just be the second coming and then i could be with you right now and not have to worry about being here or going home. this cant be good for me. please pray and help me know what to do. i have never ever felt this low in my life. we have zone conference next wednesday and i am going to meet with prez smith and talk to him. please help me know what to do. because of zone conference, ill either be emailing on tues or thurs. oh, and please dont send any more packages or any thing in case i do come home. we dont get them until moves (transfers) anyway. i have never felt so stuck in my life.>
k now i am going to stop being so wierd and tell you about thailand. >
I think this is the most different place in the world. i am able to understand a lot of what they say, but struggle in responding. i am able to help out in lessons a bit though.. >
there is so much to tell you. I am in saaphaan suung, very east of bangkok. it is still city, but no big buildings, and there are a few fields that we bike past. we bike a lot. there are people everywhere selling things on the streets and people are constantly riding up and down the streets with their vendor bikes announcing what they are selling. the driving is crazy. the traffic amount is a lot like utah valley, but they dont really have rules-or dont follow them... they make lanes where ever they want. they are patient though, there is never any honking. they do drive on the wrong side of the road. SO hard to get used to! i always take the turns too short or too wide on my bike. the food is not what everyone says. some of it is good, but a lot of it is quite gross. i have found that my body allows me to eat anything that is offered to me though. i have already eaten some pretty nasty looking things like whole fish that they just put on the table, eyes scales and all. i say a prayer and somehow get it down. >
i think i have seen 1 american looking person since i have been here besides the elders. we stand out like a sore thumb, especially me. i havent seen a blue eye since i left the mission home. they LOVE the "farangs" - american looking people.. they the people are very nice. i dont think that i have met one person that hasnt said "gang" which means i speak well, says "suay" which means beautiful, or comments on my eyes. i think a lot of them just want to talk to us because we are from america. they are very polite, always bringing out glasses of water for us. speaking of water, i have never drank so much in my life,and somehow hardly ever have to go to the bathroom. i think i sweat it all out. >
A lot of the homes and apartments that i have gone in only have one room with a small 1/2 size fridge, a mattress on the floor, their clothes in plasic drawers, a small bathroom, and a teeny deck with a gas stove to cook on. i have only seen 2 homes, which were the nicest homes, that had furniture. usually we sit on the hard floor during the lessons. >
i wish i had time to write about the investigators, i didnt plan my time writing wisely. >
sorry this is from a story that i started to write, but i dont have time. ill have to tell you about it when i see you.....i love cabs-air conditioning. only other time it is less than 98 degress is when in the church or in our bedroom, and it is still about 80 degrees in those places... >
i am so sorry that i am a dissappointmet. please pray and help me know what to do. i love you so much and miss you much( hah that it has literally made me sick... ) >
love, sister young